Finding out I was pregnant...

I don't even know where to begin...so I will start at the very beginning.

On the weekend of July 13th I got my period (or at least I thought I did. But I did) and didn't think much of it. So, I went out with my hubby to a friend's house party and had a great time. Maybe too much fun. I definitely got tipsy and toasty that night ;). The next day I noticed that my period was much lighter than usual and I thought it was a bit strange. I had no backaches and I don't remember pms'ing as I usually do around my period (my hubby likes to remind me every month when my hormones go hay wire). Well he didn't that time. On Monday my period was gone but my breasts continued to be sore. By thursday 8/18 I got a little suspicious and wondered... why are my breasts still hurting? Something told me on my way running errands to stop at Walgreens right by my apartment. I picked up one pack of pregnacy tests and on my way home, I was laughing at myself saying "this is ridiculous..I am 99% sure I am NOT pregnant". So when I got home of course I was ready to pee (if you know me, you know I can pretty much pee any time of the day, my bladder is the size of an apple. literally) and when I was done, I left the bathroom because I didn't give it much hope and didn't want to stick around for the 2 minute stare/wait contest. When I made it back to the bathroom I had to blink and clear my vision when I saw two lines on my pregnancy test. yes TWO lines. A cross to be exact. I couldn't believe it and was convinced something was wrong with the test. So, I immediately tried another one, and the same thing happened. Two lines. I was like whoaaa...this is crazy! I thought how could this be? So, what did I do? I drove back to Walgreens and got the extra fancy digital pregnancy test because those would tell me for sure if I am pregnant or not. I figured digital is the high tech version of pregnancy tests - it would tell me the truth LOL. I chugged lots of water to fill my bladder and tried one of the digital tests which came out "pregnant" (see photo). In total I did 4 pregnancy tests that day (I did another digital one two days later just to make sure I was still pregnant haha). When I finally calmed down from confusion, shock and excitement..I called my hubby Brad and told him on the phone that I "think" I am pregnant. He was as confused as I and we were both a bit overwhelmed. I really wished to tell him in person but that night I had plans to go to the movies with my friend and he was off to play tennis with his buddy so we wouldn't have seen each other until almost midnight. I simply couldn't wait that long.

The next day I called my doctor to set up an appointment to have my blood taken to confirm pregnancy. The office assistant then told me then that their office doesn't take my new health insurance (I had just switched health insurances because I am under Brad's plan that is covered by his company). Great timing. Pregnant and no doctor. And I loved my old gyno. She is cool, hip and young. I was upset. I could not go to her anymore because I did not want to pay out of pocket. I emailed a friend of mine who has two babies and asked her if she could recommend a good gyno. She immediately wrote back, and highly recommended her doctor to me. So I called and thankfully they accept my health insurance and were able to fit me in that same day. I went and met with the nurse practitioner that asked me a lot of questions about my health and family medical history etc. She was nice but lacked warmth and kindness. She prepared me for the worst - that my bleeding might have indicated a miscarriage or chemical pregnancy. She said it's very common and often pregnancy tests and blood tests will show positive signs of pregnancy although you might not actually be pregnant..anymore. She advised me to immediately go to the hospital if I had severe bleeding or cramping as that would indicate an ectopic pregnancy (another form of miscarriage). When I finally left her office I was sent to the ultra sound room. The nurse couldn't see anything on the ultra sound but mentioned to me it's probably too early in my pregnancy. Needless to say I was a bit discouraged when I left the office and headed over to the lab to have my blood taken.

I waited all weekend wondering if I was pregnant or not. On Monday I went back for my second round of taking blood to see if my hcg levels increased over the 72 hours. The next day the nurse called me and said my progesterone level came back at a 12 and my hcg levels increased from a 172 to a 279 but she really hoped they would be 340. She pulled another debbie downer on me. She told me that my body could still be thinking I'm pregnant even though I'm not and I would just have to wait it out for 10 days until I could come back and do an ultrasound. She set up an appointment with me for September 1st at 10am. I was left in limbo and did not like it. I called her the next day to see if I could come in and take a third round of blood to see if my hcg levels increased from its last number. She didn't recommend it and said she didn't want me to be disappointed because even if my numbers would go up..it still wouldn't mean anything!?

Now she really started to piss me off. I'm a therapist and I'm compassionate and kind with my clients. She was being the oppposite with me and made me more and more angry. I was vulnerable and it seemed like she was taking away every ray of hope I had left. On my way home I had a good cry, called my parents and told them the story. It was the strangest phone call (not the way I had hoped to deliver news I was pregnant). I couldn't be really excited about it because I didn't know where I stood, so I told them I am pregnant but didn't know if it would stick. It was tough to say, as I tried to hold back tears.

This is a long story but I had to share it. The things that helped me cope during the time I was waiting to find out were my hubby, sister, support of my family and accepting that whatever happened would be ok.

Though I continued to listen to my body and kept feeling things that made me wonder if I might still be pregnant. There was one moment that I so vividly remember. I was doing the dishes and this voice deep within me (I truly believe it was my baby) said to me "don't give up on me".."don't give up on me". It was an inspiring moment and I knew I had to hold on to hope, think positive and feel the "love growing inside of me" (as Beyonce so beautifully said..who is also newly preggers yay). I said "I will never give up on you..never, never, ever". And that was that. It changed my whole perspective and I started to believe, dream, and love...